I am excited. I am so excited that sometimes I cry tears of unimaginable joy, sometimes I dance around the living room and squeal like a little girl. But that's not the only thing I am. I'm also heartbroken.
Each step of this process is heartbreaking. Every phone or skype conversation with a friend, telling them my time here in the states is limited. Letting them know I may only see them in person once or twice before I cross the pond. Every conversation discussing my exit plan from the job I love. Every time I have to decide to keep or sell something. It's all heartbreaking.
I went through a genuine internal battle when I first felt the tug from God that He was calling me to Scotland. I wanted to go there--SO badly!--and thought for sure He wanted me some where else: somewhere I didn't want to be. I, like many, grew up believing that God wanted what He wanted, and not what I wanted. I found myself wondering where the sacrifice was in going somewhere I wanted to be. And, eventually, I found it: in every step that has me--in some way--saying goodbye. But that sadness is just selfishness.
I want to be here in October when my best friend April gets married. And when my brother and his wife have their first child, I want to be here to hold that newborn life (no, they're not pregnant yet, but we're hoping!!). I want to keep working the job I have for the company and coworkers I love.
I don't want to make my family drive me to the airport to say goodbye to me. And, truly, I don't want to call mom every time I have new, exciting news about Scotland only to hear in her voice how sad she is to see me go.
But God's plan is so.much.bigger. than my wants. He is constantly reminding me that I'm taking the right steps, that I truly am following His plan; and that brings me so.much.joy. It's the joy that has me squealing with each bit of news and constantly tweaking my lists of things that need to be done before I catch that plane.
So whether you find me crying in sadness, or too excited to sit still, know that each and every step, phone call, and word is truly bittersweet.
Thanks for reading,
p.s. check this out. it's gooooood stuff. :)